Ruckus Plantagenet Ozymandias Xerxes Van Pelt, king of Maine, died unexpectedly on July 8 after suffering a blood clot. He was thirteen years old.

Ruckus was born on the Ides of March, somewhere near Bangor, Maine. His parentage is murky, but reputably he was half Siamese, half Russian oligarch. He spent his formative years in the town of Harmony, where, under the tutelage of his adoptive mother, Anna the standard poodle, he learned much about the wiles of chipmunks and developed his taste for large social gatherings.

Midlife, after moving grouchily to Portland, he discovered new horizons. Though he had spent his early years as a country cat, he stepped into the role of neighborhood icon with confidence and aplomb. With his across-the-street friend Jack “The Block Captain” Glessner, he founded the Neighborhood Bratz, and together they adventured into other people’s garages, snubbed small dogs, and posed for countless album photos on the hoods of cars. 

Ruckus was filled with grievance and vanity, and he was always eager to share these talents with his fans. His charisma and self-satisfaction were boundless. While he hated art, especially poetry, he was always gracious when a fan composed a song about him (for instance, the well-known pop tune “Construction Cat,” in which he wears a cravat and berates his employees) and enjoyed starring in the limited-edition comic book series Cat of Action. At the time of his death, he was in talks with Marvel about taking control of the universe.

Ruckus had many talents. He clawed furniture and smeared dress shirts with hair. He was an impeccable alarm clock, always set too early. He was a champion sulker and bigmouth, with a yowl that could stop traffic. His family still wears the scars of his claws. With such skills, he even began influencing the past: the 1960s Mission: Impossible team often consulted his string expertise, and Leonard Nimoy frequently mentioned how much better Ruckus would have been in the role of Captain Kirk.

Despite constant publicity, Ruckus loved his home and was deeply committed to his family and friends. High summer was his favorite season, and nothing made him cozier than family time, when he would bask in the grass as his loved ones sat around eating or cooking or playing cards. Yet he equally adored watching them get sweaty and exasperated and was sure to be nearby if they were digging a big hole or struggling with a flat tire. There is even a rumor that he invented Covid-19 so that his family would stop going to work. His dream was to convince all of his young people to move back in with their parents and set up beds in every room of the house. 

Ruckus was bossy, loud, and annoying. Everything was always about him. He was the life of the party, and his absence has left an enormous gulf. He is deeply mourned by his immediate family—Dawn, Tom, Lily, Paul, Hannah, and James—as well as his broader family circle, his neighbors, and his imaginary celebrity girlfriends. He was predeceased by his mother, Anna, and his best friend, Jack. Perhaps the three of them are in paradise together, all staring fixedly into the same chipmunk hole and ignoring the angels who are calling them home for dinner.