The windows are open, but maybe not for long, as we've got wildfire smoke coming our way today. And maybe some rain too, naturally. But briefly, at least, I can listen to the birds.
I need to mow the backyard this morning, before the heat and the air quality deteriorate. I need to work on teaching plans. I need to do housework and go birthday shopping. I'm feeling a little triste, which could be a result of the air quality or of struggles with poem revisioning or economic frets related to my next editing project, which has been delayed longer than expected. I'm keeping busy but earning nothing, and I'm trying not to feel guilty about that.
But now that I know for sure that the project is delayed, I can start planning the next few weeks with this in mind. I want to make another blank book. I am considering another prose project, possibly an extension of the essay I finished recently about aging and art. I want to take the violin out of its case.
Tonight, for dinner, I'll simmer chicken with wine and fresh oregano. I'll sauté peppers and make a salad of new beans and concoct some kind of dessert with the blueberries from my front-yard bushes. All I can do, at the moment, is be a dedicated housekeeper and poet, neither of which feels adequate. Not that anyone is complaining, but I beat myself up for being a financial burden. This is normal and life-long, and I'll get through it.
2 comments:
What you say about not bringing in immediate pay resonates so much with me. I wonder what we would do if society stopped making our sense of worthiness tied to a steady stream of income. The "summer check" that some teachers get is merely scraped from all the school-year checks, held and then paid out later. It's not "fun money"--and believe me, at this time of the summer, it's hard to enjoy the "time off" with no easy cash flow. This year, I couldn't commit to a summer job of any sort, due to not knowing what would happen with jury duty (which I ended up not having to serve)-- I feel the guilt, regardless. It's a toxic system.
Take good care, and enjoy the blueberries!
I am pretty sure that my mom, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, and so on, did not beat themselves up for being financial burdens. Their value lay elsewhere, and everyone knew it. Our 1970's women's lib movement brought its own unforeseen pitfalls.
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