Friend A seduces Friend B.
Friend A moves into a house with Friend B and an Unknown, who turns out to be Roommate X plus Friend C.
Roommate X and Friend C undergo a rocky romance.
Meanwhile, Friend C attaches herself to Friend A. Now they are Best Friends; they spend all night talking to each other on the telephone.
Meanwhile, Friend A and Friend B undergo a rocky romance.
Friend A is demanding. Friend B is cold.
Friend B and Friend C aren’t really friends yet, until they stay up all night drinking pina coladas.
Now Friend C gives Friend B a Camus novel, and they are lovers, briefly.
Friend A cries. Roommate X cries.
Friend C cries, sleeps with Friend A, and returns to Roommate X.
Friend B cries, which no one has ever seen him do before.
The school year ends, and everyone disappears.
Friend C rents an apartment with Roommate Y.
Roommate Y gets pregnant and crazy and moves out, leaving a large cat behind.
Friend B, at loose ends, moves in.
Friend B and Friend C assume joint custody of the cat. Eventually they get married.
Friend A is the best man. Friends A, B, and C pretend to think this is funny.
The large cat dies.
Twenty-five years go by, in their usual fast-slow way.
Friend B is unsatisfied, bored, withdrawn, and drunk.
Friend C is unsatisfied, emotional, needy, and prone to exaggeration.
Otherwise, they are happy together, and so are Child 1 and Child 2.
Meanwhile, five hundred miles to the south, Friend A is drunk. Nonetheless, he snags new Friend D.
Friend D is a fine acquisition. Child 1 and Child 2 could not agree more.
Friend B visits Friend A and Friend D, while Friend C stays home with Child 1 and Child 2 and deals with various household emergencies unrelated to this tale.
Friend D goes to the movies.
Friend A and Friend B go to a motel.
Friend D is philosophical. Friend C is not.
Repeat Part 3, infinitely.
Will Friend A convince Friend C that any future sexual assignations with her husband would be like “going out with a fishing buddy”?
Will Friend B continue to envision Friend C as bossy and controlling?
Will Friend B continue to envision Friend A as bossy and controlling?
Will Friend A and Friend C continue to see Friend B as cool, silent, and impossible to fathom?
Will Friend A hold Friend C’s hand while they listen to Tammy Wynette records?
Will Friend D finally lose his temper and start screaming?
Will Friend B ever be forthright about what he really wants?
Will Friend C ever stop believing that sex equals love?
Will Friend A ever stop smoking?
Will Child 1 and Child 2 ever figure out what’s going on?
no yes yes yes yes maybe no no no yes
If Friend C is the only chronicler, until Child 2 gets a clue;
and Friend C is the only female, until Child 1 gets a girlfriend;
and Friend A has the special power of making his lovers stay up all night;
and Friend D has the special power of not drinking at bars;
and Friend B is the princess;
Then who feels worst and/or best at the end of it all?